Transform shame, guilt into discernment
Hi and welcome back. I am Darryl and welcome to McCullagh Therapy and welcome to bite-size. In this bitesize I will look at ways of turning those old feelings and memories based on shame and/or guilt into discernment.
If you’ve got a bad case of the “should’ve”, “could’ve”, “would’ve’s”… Thoughts on repeat saying, “If only I’d done ____ instead!” – Beating yourself up doesn’t do anyone any good. Guilt and shame, in other words, are worse than useless.
When we wallow in guilt and shame, self-destructive patterns are likely to occur. Such as depression, addiction, self-harm, and self-sabotage. This will likely cause even greater amounts of harm to ourselves and others. Additional pain will be caused that would have been avoided if we’d taken steps to recover our self-worth, integrity, discernment, etc.
The following information, journaling exercise, and suggested next steps can help you stop negative thought loops related to guilt and shame.
How You Can Transform Guilt & Shame Into Something More Helpful…
Guilt and shame can transform into discernment and confidence whenever we truly realise the following four things:
- All we have to deal with and all we can deal with is the present moment.
- We make our best effort to learn anything useful from the experiences we regret and grow from them.
- Useful actions are taken to repair any damage our behaviours have caused us or others and make a serious effort to rebuild our trust and credibility — first with ourselves — and then with others.
- It’s worse than useless to feel guilt and shame therefore we give ourselves full permission to rely on empathy, grace, and growth instead.
Whenever we realise that we can’t change the past, that we can only learn a lesson from it and move on, we are the better for it.
The only really effective option to recover is to give ourselves compassion and make a meaningful effort to regain confidence and trust in ourselves. That’s when the emotion of guilt clears up.
Instinct, discernment, and conviction are useful to us as humans. They have better timing than guilt. Guilt itself is not useful. It’s that one dancer who’s always a few steps off. It’s useless to be feeling fearful or angry without having any meaningful action to take. The only way guilt can become useful is if it leads us to learn a lesson.
Using our gift of hindsight to be able to learn lessons from past events and behaviours is one of the greatest advantages we have as humans. Guilt also has the possibility of leading us to foresight when we ask ourselves questions like, “What could be a better way of handling something like this in the future?”
Asking questions can help, but they have to be the right questions. It’s not helpful to ask, “Why am I so ignorant, incapable, selfish, etc.?” Questions such as that are a no-win, to begin with since they imply character flaws and do not point to solutions or hindsight. They only serve to create complexes about yourself and ensure the repetition of unwanted behaviour.
Your brain is built to find answers to the questions you ask. It will either find answers to those shame-inducing questions or keep focusing on them in search of something that seems worthy to justify the shame you’ve been feeling. Instead, ask yourself some truly effective questions that will help to improve your discernment and wisdom. Ask questions that will serve to build up your values and sense of confidence in yourself.
This exercise is intended to help you clear shame and guilt around experiences and decisions you regret. It works best for experiences whose intensity you would rate at a five or below on a scale from 1 to 10.
For significantly charged experiences and breaking the cycle for truly repetitive detrimental behaviour, such as addiction, there will be more to address. Understanding the needs you’ve been trying to meet, behaviours that were modelled to you, and getting professional help for trauma clearing assistance, guidance, support, and accountability will most likely be necessary.
Now think of a time that can trigger you to feel shame and guilt just by remembering it — an experience or a decision you regret — one whose intensity is a five or lower on a scale from one to 10. Once you can really feel the feeling(s) and remember the circumstances surrounding the event, ask yourself…
✦ What led to this event? How did my own behaviour or the behaviour of others contribute to what happened?
✦ What “red flags” if any, did I miss or not know how to best respond to at the time?
✦ What would I have needed to be thinking, feeling, prioritising, or understanding in order to prevent ________ from happening (or prevent myself from feeling embarrassed or ashamed)?
✦ Who would I have needed to be like to have handled it better? Who could be a good role model? Perhaps a celebrity, or someone from my everyday life or faith? Or maybe a character from a movie, T.V. show, or book — someone who has the qualities I would have needed.
✦ If I could do it all over again, what would have gotten me a better outcome?
✦ Looking back on it now, what would have been good to do differently?
✦ What could be a better way of handling something like this in the future?
✦ Do I truly believe I could respond differently to the same red flags today? Do I believe I will trust my instincts? That I am capable enough to avoid similar situations in the future? Why or why not?
✦ What actions do I need to take to repair any damage from this experience, and rebuild trust with myself and others?
✦ What skills (if any) do I need to cultivate to make it less likely to experience something like this ever again? (E.g., conversations to have, professional help I may need, accountability or mentoring I could use in my life, etc.)
Now take some kind of meaningful action towards repairing this situation or making the change(s) you need to right now! Make a phone call, do some research, schedule an appointment, etc. The key is to continue to follow through. Invite someone, a person you can trust, to hold you accountable — someone who will be real with you but without judgment.
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